I realized that all these years, I had been dreading a giant toad, lurking offshore, waiting to suck me under and drag me out to sea.
Author: claire
I realize I lack tact. I realize I often speak/type and inadvertently hurt feelings as a result. But I strongly maintain that if the majority of humanity would simply succumb to saying what they mean without worry of how it sounds, sensitivity rates would drop, globally, and perhaps world peace would be at hand.
You are the fourth child. You are going to have to get used to being last, late, sometimes forgotten, and spoiled as a result of the guilt we subconsciously feel about this. We were really hoping you’d be another boy, so at least you can thank that sentiment for your brand new wardrobe up to the size of 4T.
You are now one year, one month, and twenty-three days old.
I’m sorry I didn’t get this post written and published on your actual birthday. And while I’m apologizing, please do not expect your baby book to be finished before you get married.
Daddy and I are so proud and thankful that you did finally figure out how to sleep through the night. You’re going to hear this a lot in your life so you might as well hear it now. The rest of your siblings all figured this out by 6 weeks. You sure topped them all by holding out until 6 months. I hope this means you will forge your own path in life, no matter how difficult that makes the lives of those you are surrounded by. I’m going to view this as a positive characteristic for your adult-self.
Though you can only say exactly four words coherently (Mama, Dada, Uh-oh, and Ball), it seems that your baby babble contains the mysteries of the universe combined with the passion of Martin Luther King Jr. Despite the fact that you come by this perfectly honestly and completely genetically, it is still going to drive me nuts and you are going to have your talking privileges revoked just moments after you master verbal communication. Talk to Eliott about this. She will empathize with you completely.
And while I’m on the subject of mysteries, I’d like to know, how is that you don’t like bananas? What child ever in the history of children has refused to eat the sweetest, softest, and most convenient baby food there is? I’m only going to forgive you for this because of your tendency to poop but one time a day at the exact same time every day. The predictability of your bowels has actually made my life a little easier, and at least half-way made up for all those late nights.
No one ever suspected me to admit this, but I’m secretly grateful for your small size and slowness to graduate completely out of the baby phase. It turns out I am already sensing the sadness that comes with the realization that it all goes by too quickly. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve given me plenty of reasons to look forward to the future, but I am trying to hold on a little longer to this small version of you, before I forget how you smell and how easy it is to carry you on my hip.
So happy belated birthday to my little partner in birthday crime. Our family was not complete before you, and it is infinitely better because of you.
This post may contain affiliate links. Read my full disclosure here.
A few weeks ago I was chatting with my neighbor at the bus stop about our laundry habits. She has one child. I have four. She runs at least one load of laundry a day for her three-person family. When I told her I do 5-6 loads per week for my six-person family, she admitted, “I have to wash my towels every couple of days or they start to smell musty.”
That’s when I gave her my secret.
Why Do My Towels Smell?
First of all, that musty smell that makes towels reek like feet, even when they’ve been recently washed, is mildew. Have you ever left a wet load of laundry in the washer over night, and had to re-wash the entire thing the next day because of the smell? Same thing. You might not be able to see it, but it is there.
Many people add vinegar to the rinse cycle to combat this problem. And vinegar does help. (It also acts as a natural fabric softener.) But what most people do not know is that mildew is alive and it eats soap. In fact, it thrives in warm, moist, soapy environments. This is why you see it growing on your shower walls in splatters. The mildew grows wherever a soap residue has been left behind.
If your towels suffer from that musty smell within a day or two of washing, you might be surprised to hear that it is the washing that is causing the problem. Your towels are coming out of the laundry with a lot of detergent residue left in them and putting them back into the machine is only adding more. Sure, they smell fresh when they are dry, but the minute they get a little bit wet again, the stink is back.
In my experience, front load washers and stemless machines are the worst for leaving detergent residue behind. They simply do not agitate the laundry enough to get the detergent out. And let’s face it, most of us are probably using far too much detergent in the first place. Combine this unseen detergent residue with moisture and warmth, and you have a perfect recipe for mildew to thrive.
It will become a never ending cycle.
How to Get Rid of Mildew in Laundry
Don’t throw your towels away and start over. There is a way to get them clean, fresh, and soft again, if you can believe it.
First, ditch the liquid fabric softener forever. Liquid fabric softener is like leave in conditioner for your laundry. It makes laundry soft and fresh after the first couple washes, but then it builds up making laundry more susceptible to stains and stink.
Second, you have to get all the detergent out of your laundry.
What?! Wash my towels without any detergent?! How will they get clean?
The following is a product that does just this. And it works!
Super Wash Balls: Set of 2
Super Wash Balls Review
Super wash balls are environmentally-friendly laundry balls. They were originally made by “Bio Cera” and sold only on QVC at a slightly higher price than they are now available for on Amazon.
You simply put them in the washing machine, add dirty laundry, and run the cycle. NO NEED TO ADD DETERGENT.
A few notes:
These laundry balls work by changing the PH of the water. This is all I know and I don’t even understand it.
They are made out of bioceramics, which is a common material used in prosthetics and surgical implants. I think this means they are pretty dang safe, in addition to long lasting. You do not have to worry about the balls “exploding” in your machine and leaking out the little pieces inside. Not a single review on Amazon has talked about this ever happening.
For the first couple washes you will notice your laundry suds up as if you had added laundry detergent. This is the leftover residue that has been building up in your clothes or towels. My towels went through two full wash cycles before the suds stopped showing up. In a front load washer, it could take up to five washes.
The instructions recommend using the balls with warm water, but I always run all cycles cold and have noticed they still work.
These are good for 1,000 washes. Once you reach this number you can put the balls in direct sunlight for half a day and they will be good for another 1,000 washes. If you use them all the time, you might just put them in the sunshine twice a year.
The sheets on my daughters’ beds are white. The Super Wash Balls did not even touch some light blood stains on one sheet, which have now faded but still show up. Also, after wearing red flannel Christmas PJ’s the sheets of my sweatier daughter turned a bit pink. I never treated this stain and it never fully came out, it is significantly faded however, after about a year. (Again, no detergent on these sheets has been used ever.)
Do They Work?
I have been using these Super Wash Balls exclusively for my loads of sheets and towels for about two years. I am speaking only from personal experience here to say, yes, undoubtedly, this product has rid my towels of that musty smell. In fact, my towels not only smell fresh but they have maintained much of their original softness.
Currently, I wash all my sheets and towels every two weeks. I have not used detergent on them in over two years. After washing them with the Super Wash Balls, I dry sheets and towels on medium heat and add a fragrance-free dryer sheet to prevent static.
The Super Wash Ball has saved me money on laundry detergent, but more than that, it has saved me money because I am not doing a load of laundry a day. I am not replacing my towels every year. And I’m saving tons of time by not doing so much laundry.
What Will My Laundry Smell Like?
If you were to use the Super Wash Balls and absolutely nothing else, your laundry would smell fresh and clean, but essentially scentless. No, you will not have that fresh laundered aroma that you have become used to from your Snuggle fabric softener.
If you are looking for some scent, I highly recommend using scented dryer sheets. The residue left behind from these is significantly lower than residue from liquid laundry detergent and liquid fabric softener. You will be able to feel the difference. Your laundry will no longer have that somewhat slippery, soapy feel when it comes out of the dryer.
If you hang dry your clothes, then you know how sheets smell after an afternoon of basking in fresh sunlight. While it isn’t quite as fresh as that actual fresh-air smell, my laundry comes out of the dryer smelling similarly clean. I do hang dry many of my clothes, and these Super Wash Balls have significantly reduced the usual amount of stiffness associated with hang-dried laundry.
How Do Super Wash Balls Work on Clothing?
Because several have asked, I’m including a note about how these Super Wash Balls work on things other than sheets and towels.
First, it is important to note that I am moderately-high maintenance when it comes to MY laundry. I am slightly-lower maintenance when it comes to my children’s laundry. And I’m virtually no-maintenance when it comes to my husband’s laundry. (He does his own.)
Of course I separate lights and darks. I use bleach for whites very sparingly, if ever. I hang-dry about half of my own clothes so that things do not fade or shrink. I turn lots of things inside-out to prevent wear. Delicates get their own separate extra-gentle wash and my bras go in delicates bags so they don’t all hook on each other and twist.
So, keeping all these things in mind, I have a few thoughts on using the Super Wash Balls for regular laundry. I still use detergent for about 4 out of every 5 loads of clothes. For my own laundry, I tend to use whatever I can find on sale. For the last year that has been Arm and Hammer with OxiClean and All Free and Clear. I also pour about a quarter of a cup of vinegar in the slot where liquid fabric softener goes on every load. I use homemade wool dryer balls in my dryer and a dryer sheet.
Forgive me, this is very disjointed, and listed in no particular order, but here are my thoughts on Super Wash Balls when used for clothing:
They do not remove stains very well, if at all. Grass stains and food stains, particularly, as this is what I deal with most often. I will always and only use OxiClean powder for my children’s clothes.
When used in a load of my whites I’ve noticed mild ring around the collar (sweat and dirt, some make-up), dirty cuffs, and even armpit discoloration comes out just fine, maybe even better than laundry detergent alone (without pre-treatment). Super old white undershirts with permanent yellow pits or my husband’s ring around the collar? Well, let’s just say these things aren’t that magical.
They did completely remove the red clay mud out of my husband’s yard-work khakis when I threw the pants in on top of a load of towels without pre-treating them. The mud was dry but had set for less than a day. This same mud has stained at least one out of every three pairs of pants or skirts of each one of my kids, so go figure.
The balls are too big and too heavy for me to trust with my delicates. I’m simply not sacrificing any $50 bras to the nubs, plus, they are pretty heavy. Woolite and extra-extra-gentle cycle it will be for my undies, forever.
Regular old unstained but possibly stinky adult laundry: Super Wash Balls totally work. In fact, much like the towels, clothing seems to come out a little softer and smells fresher even if hang-dried, which many of my shirts require.
Once I let a load of my children’s clothes soak over night with OxiClean in the water. I didn’t realize until I moved them to the dryer that I had left the Super Wash Balls in the machine. It was decidedly the cleanest I’ve seen my kids’ clothes in a long time.
I’ve read where some combine the laundry balls WITH detergent to get clothes extra clean. This would obviously null and void the idea of perfect mildew removal, but if your clothes are not musty like your towels it seems like the combo is fine.
From time to time, wet laundry gets forgotten in the washing machine overnight. It used to be that the entire load needed to be rewashed, as the mildew smell was immediate and impossible to ignore. If I forget a wet load of towels over night, I don’t even think twice before I throw them immediately into the dryer. And I can say that I haven’t noticed my clothes stinking of mildew, even after a wet night, in a very long time
My husband has recently begun using the Super Wash Balls along with about a quarter of the detergent he used to use and claims his laundry is coming out just as clean.
Bottom line: these laundry balls could conceivably replace all laundry detergent in your house if you have mostly unstained clothing that isn’t too delicate. I’d be curious to know how well they do for clothing that comes home from a day of work at Starbucks or IHOP. If anyone can leave notes in the comments about that kind of smell removal, it would be awesome.
You might remember that once upon a time I was a high school English teacher. And a damn good one at that.
I just ran across something I posted to Facebook five years ago (also the final year I was paid to stand in front of a classroom). It was a note to my students of my thoughts on the list their school (not me) sent for summer reading choices.
Look at me, still using the public library like it’s my job.
I got a chuckle out of it today and I think it is worth reposting here. Feel free to pass this nugget along to any high school student you know who still hasn’t thought about that summer reading assignment due August 24th, especially if that assignment came with a list of classics to choose from.
* * * * *
Ok. Enough of you have written looking for my summer reading suggestions – so here are my PERSONAL thoughts. These are by no means endorsed by anyone but me. My final word is read whatever you want, but read the actual book. Don’t just read a Google summary.
I have not read (or even heard of) all the authors on your list, but it should be noted these are not ALL classics (yay) and many of these authors are still alive (hooray). Not that I don’t support the classics (hell-o, I’m an English teacher.) However, I believe classics are best studied in a group, not read independently – as it is difficult to know exactly what is so great about them without the aid of someone smarter than you telling you what to look for. If you wish to tackle the classics, you are awesome but I encourage you to read one with a friend and discuss together. Just don’t get burned-out and cease to love reading because classics are dense and difficult.
Anyway, I’ll do my best to comment on those I know personally, those I recognize, and those which are popular enough that I should probably get to know them.
Three lists:
#1: Probably worth your time: – Sandra Cisneros (House on Mango Street is pretty good. Short, easy read and good.) – Toni Morrison (One of Oprah’s heroes, hah – she writes “out of oppression” type stuff, but she’s generally considered good.) – Alice Walker (The Color Purple is fabulous and also easy to read. Deals with some tough subjects ie: rape and black oppression, but I think I read it in 8th grade so you can handle it. There’s a copy in my old classroom.) – Willa Cather (I love O Pioneers, if you are into Little House on the Prairie her stuff is is similar.) – Cormac McCarthy (The Road is currently on my to-read list. We’ll see. His stuff is often made into movies. I think he’s a little dark and somewhat heavy. Probably a good one for guys. But he has several books published that have all been fairly popular – and I figure, if the general public is reading it and liking it, it can’t be too hard to understand. Come on. Not everyone went to private school.) – Ian McEwan (similar popularity to McCarthy – also lots of books made into movies – though I’ve never read him my sister loved Atonement and she and I might as well be intellectual twins.) – Jane Austen (She isn’t as obvious as Nicholas Sparks, but her romance is as endearing, if you can get through the Elizabethan Language. You might try her now, and come back to her in college, because you’ll love her more with experience. Trust me.) – Flannery O’Connor (I loved Moll Flanders the movie. The book is probably good.)
#2: LONG and DIFFICULT (and worth considering in college because) I loved them anyway: – Dostoevsky (on a HS reading list this is nuts… he’s Russian and the translation of his books makes all the difference in the world on readability, but even then he’s a toughy. Crime and Punishment GOOD; The Brothers Karamazov. GOOD. The Idiot. GOOD. He is fabulous when you are ready to tackle him.) – Richard Wright (well, Black Boy is easy to read, and good. The rest of his stuff is a little racy and again, probably better in college. I will say this – Native Son involves a man killing a woman and cutting her up and putting her in a furnace and I had to read it for three different college classes, if that entices anyone.) – Dickens (better studied with others, but again, I love him) – Melville (Moby Dick is LONG and much of it takes place at sea, which, ulgh… not for me, but I really liked Billy Budd in college.)
#3: Shorter does not necessarily equal better (in short, snoozes) (no pun intended but don’t I rule?): – Joseph Conrad (Heart of Darkness. Painfully short.) – Hemingway (he’s a hit or miss with me, and usually a miss – personally. Old Man and the Sea? 100 pages? You might never finish it. No I’m serious. It’s another fishing book. Shoot me.)
Anyway, feel free to let me know what you pick. I’m always interested to hear what you are reading.
It is 9:19am. I’ve now reheated the same mug of coffee three times. I have forty minutes before the baby wakes up and I begin the 45 minute process of getting all four children into the car so I can make it to yoga at the Y and only be 5 minutes late. Nevermind that everyone is currently fed and dressed. Nevermind that I am, for once, fed and dressed.
Pause.
Someone is crying.
Ain’t happening today folks.
“I need thirty minutes of you people playing outside. Then I can love you today.”
Didn’t happen on Tuesday either, when, despite starting at 8 o’clock, we didn’t manage to make it out of the house before 10:35 and in all that time, I didn’t have a single sip of coffee or a bite of breakfast. Pulling out of my driveway for the second time that morning I decided I’d rather eat a Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich in the lobby with my book than make it to yoga anyway.
Of course the lobby was overflowing with Silver Sneakers who like to arrive an hour and a half before their class begins to catch up on gossip and share senior citizen discount trade secrets.
I ducked into the empty-looking game room off the main hallway and in my surprise to see three older ladies playing bridge in the corner I blurted, “I hope there isn’t an age limit on this room. I just need a place to escape my kids and the party in the lobby so I can eat my damn breakfast in peace.”
If I offended them with the beginning of my sentence they had more than forgiven me with the eventual recognition of raw mommy desperation.
Needless to say, I didn’t read my book that morning, and I was more than just full of egg and cheese croissant when I left. I guess it’s true what they say. Though slow, and somewhat dangerous behind the wheel, senior citizens can serve a purpose in society.
Last week was no different, I’m sure of it. But somehow last week I was coping. Maybe more than coping, in fact. I was downright pleasant last week. I feel certain that it isn’t possible for my children to be more or less needy from one week to another.
And before you say, “You’re the one who wanted four kids,” I am going to take the liberty (because this is my blog) to say that four kids is really freaking difficult. In fact, remove just one kid from the equation and it is a completely different and more pleasant experience. And honestly, it doesn’t even matter which kid goes. When Eliott is gone, Carter steps up and pretends to be more responsible. When Carter is gone, nobody is fighting with Eliott or Isaiah.
When Isaiah is gone, the older girls’ mess is contained to one area (and they quietly hide it believing if I can’t hear them I’ll never know what kind of a mess they are making) and if Avery is out of the picture, well, shoot, I’m just plain happier. For all her beauty and for all my experience, that baby is a force to be reckoned with and generally speaking, a bit of a life-sucker right now. (Yes, she sleeps well. Finally. But God help us all when the woman needs anything because though she has no vocabulary, she’s more than makes up for it in sheer volume and inability to grow weary in asking.)
I have coping mechanisms. I do. And every once in a while I have a big picture perspective. I do get glimpses of the sweetness of each kid, usually once a day, and while these do not have the power of say, a Xanax washed down with Bud Light Platinum, they do make it mostly worth it as my eyelids close each night (that sweet moment of silence where I can almost pretend like tomorrow will be different and somehow better).
And certainly things could actually be worse. They have been worse. I need to remember that. I also need to, again, keep tally of the little things:
Neighborhood pool not five minutes away.
Access to trampoline in neighbor’s back yard, not fifty feet away.
A finished basement playroom and children who both can, and will, entertain themselves, even if their only game is what I like to call “Tornado: the Aftermath.”
A cleaning lady. (I’m embarrassed to admit I would be drowning without her.)
The YMCA and one hundred and fifty minutes a day (times 4) of childcare should I choose to use it.
Neighbors who enjoy my children more than I do.
A two-year old who is quickly showing that he is as type A as his father, and manifesting this genetic curse in the form of picking up after his sisters.
An 8 year old and a 6 year old who have been trained (in less than a month) to fully clean up the kitchen after every meal.
Avery’s eyelashes. (I had to find something.)
Discovering that the source of John’s anxiety for the last 6 months had absolutely nothing to do with circumstantial stress but was completely caused by his asthma medication (Singulair). When his prescription lapsed for three days he was halfway back to his normal self, and now, in just one month of being off the stuff, he’s functioning at 100% of his normal emotional level. This is huge people, when every other week I might be operating at a solid 30%.
It’s 9:57am. I’m going to go wake the baby, put on my shoes, top off my mostly empty mug, and perhaps be early to yoga this morning.
You might remember that once upon a time I was a high school English teacher. And a damn good one at that.
I just ran across something I posted to Facebook five years ago (also the final year I was paid to stand in front of a classroom). It was a note to my students of my thoughts on the list their school (not me) sent for summer reading choices.
I got a chuckle out of it today and I think it is worth reposting here. Feel free to pass this nugget along to any high school student you know who still hasn’t thought about that summer reading assignment due August 24th, especially if that assignment came with a list of classics to choose from.
* * * * *
Ok. Enough of you have written looking for my summer reading suggestions – so here are my PERSONAL thoughts. These are by no means endorsed by anyone but me. My final word is read whatever you want, but read the actual book. Don’t just read a Google summary.
I have not read (or even heard of) all the authors on your list, but it should be noted these are not ALL classics (yay) and many of these authors are still alive (hooray). Not that I don’t support the classics (hell-o, I’m an English teacher.) However, I believe classics are best studied in a group, not read independently – as it is difficult to know exactly what is so great about them without the aid of someone smarter than you telling you what to look for. If you wish to tackle the classics, you are awesome but I encourage you to read one with a friend and discuss together. Just don’t get burned-out and cease to love reading because classics are dense and difficult.
Look at me, still using the public library like it’s my job.
Anyway, I’ll do my best to comment on those I know personally, those I recognize, and those which are popular enough that I should probably get to know them.
Three lists:
#1: Probably worth your time: – Sandra Cisneros (House on Mango Street is pretty good. Short, easy read and good.) – Toni Morrison (One of Oprah’s heroes, hah – she writes “out of oppression” type stuff, but she’s generally considered good.) – Alice Walker (The Color Purple is fabulous and also easy to read. Deals with some tough subjects ie: rape and black oppression, but I think I read it in 8th grade so you can handle it. There’s a copy in my old classroom.) – Willa Cather (I love O Pioneers, if you are into Little House on the Prairie her stuff is is similar.) – Cormac McCarthy (The Road is currently on my to-read list. We’ll see. His stuff is often made into movies. I think he’s a little dark and somewhat heavy. Probably a good one for guys. But he has several books published that have all been fairly popular – and I figure, if the general public is reading it and liking it, it can’t be too hard to understand. Come on. Not everyone went to private school.) – Ian McEwan (similar popularity to McCarthy – also lots of books made into movies – though I’ve never read him my sister loved Atonement and she and I might as well be intellectual twins.) – Jane Austen (She isn’t as obvious as Nicholas Sparks, but her romance is as endearing, if you can get through the Elizabethan Language. You might try her now, and come back to her in college, because you’ll love her more with experience. Trust me.) – Flannery O’Connor (I loved Moll Flanders the movie. The book is probably good.)
#2: LONG and DIFFICULT (and worth considering in college because) I loved them anyway: – Dostoevsky (on a HS reading list this is nuts… he’s Russian and the translation of his books makes all the difference in the world on readability, but even then he’s a toughy. Crime and Punishment GOOD; The Brothers Karamazov. GOOD. The Idiot. GOOD. He is fabulous when you are ready to tackle him.) – Richard Wright (well, Black Boy is easy to read, and good. The rest of his stuff is a little racy and again, probably better in college. I will say this – Native Son involves a man killing a woman and cutting her up and putting her in a furnace and I had to read it for three different college classes, if that entices anyone.) – Dickens (better studied with others, but again, I love him) – Melville (Moby Dick is LONG and much of it takes place at sea, which, ulgh… not for me, but I really liked Billy Budd in college.)
#3: Shorter does not necessarily equal better (in short, snoozes) (no pun intended but don’t I rule?): – Joseph Conrad (Heart of Darkness. Painfully short.) – Hemingway (he’s a hit or miss with me, and usually a miss – personally. Old Man and the Sea? 100 pages? You might never finish it. No I’m serious. It’s another fishing book. Shoot me.)
Anyway, feel free to let me know what you pick. I’m always interested to hear what you are reading.
So many things to celebrate (or cry about, depending on the day and the kid).
Today was Carter’s last day of Kindergarten. I can respect a school that refuses to call it a “graduation” and avoids the caps and gowns. I’m going to note here, however, that Calvary does include the awkward simultaneous handshake/handoff of a rolled up blank piece of paper.
So you know. Don’t call it a graduation.
We know what it is.
Her kindergarten teacher gives all the kids “Character Awards” at the end of the year. Note 2: Christian School. “Character” = actual character traits, typically some variation of the Fruit of the Spirit; this is not some strange adaptation of books we read or Disney or even a somewhat cute re-enactment of the entire year.
If it means anything, I cannot for the life of me remember what Character Award Eliott was given in Kindergarten. I’m sure it was spot on and totally a prediction of her future self. I probably should have caught it on video, or saved that paper for the baby book I still haven’t made.
Carter’s character trait: Boldness.
(Her teacher then went on to suggest she may have received such a trait from her mother. I shudder.)
I used to be a teacher and before that, I worked at a summer camp where we really tried to empower kids to become the best version of themselves. I’m pretty good at verbal affirmations, no matter how far reaching they may be.
I know what “boldness” really means.
When Carter is praised for “speaking her mind,” it can be otherwise translated as “doesn’t give two shits what anyone thinks, ever, and will tell you what she’s thinking whether you want to hear it or not.”
(And here I submit that this trait is a genetic generation skipper and comes directly from her maternal grandfather, Greg Paulus.)
Example A: Weeks ago, Eliott is crying at dinner. Another story of kids being mean to her at school. Carter interrupts with, “Eliott. If kids are being mean to you in your class, you should send them down to my classroom. NOBODY is mean to me in my class. Ever.”
Truth.
Later, today, in Harris Teeter, Carter announces that she wants me to pull her loose tooth out. “I’m just so tired of it, I need it out right now.”
I tell her I’ll do it when we get home (despite the fact that it is only a little bit loose).
She tells me to take “one of those papers [from the cookie samples] and pull it out with that.”
I tell her there will be too much blood for the grocery store. Wait until we get home and I’ll pull it out.
She does.
I do.
Nobody cries.
Last day of Kindergarten, first lost tooth. My baby is practically a grown up.
And finally, this:
My dinner conversation with a very grown up Carter (NMN) Wait:
When we were practicing, Palmer and Leah said they’re going to say my middle name, and I was freaking out. I was freaking out so bad I just had to fall on the floor.
Why? What’s your middle name?
Tiny Monster. But then they didn’t say it.
Carter Tiny Monster Wait. But that’s just your nickname. You know you don’t actually have a middle name.
Yes I do. I gave myself one.
Hm. (Not weird, I did the same thing in high school and carried it all the way through college until the day I was married.) So what is it, “Tiny Monster?”
Selina.
Oh, right. Selina. Of course.
But…I want to pick the best name. So actually I’m thinking about Kitty Cat. Or maybe just Cat.
Carter Kitty Cat Wait. That sounds good.
Or Lisa. I just don’t want something ugly. Like Dinosaur. I mean, I’m kind of like a dinosaur, but that’s a boy name. Dino-saur. It’s not pretty.
Stick with Kitty Cat, Tiny Monster. I think you found your winner.
Of almost every mother I know, I think I might be the best at saying No. NO to impulse buys at the grocery store. NO to spring soccer at the YMCA. NO to kid-friendly tablets and letting my kids play even educational games. NO more (next year) to the three o’clock carline. NO to volunteering at the school (but absolutely YES to bandwagoning on group gifts for teachers). NO to having that friend over this afternoon. NO to taking care of kids or the house before noon on Saturdays. YES to a housekeeper so NO to cleaning toilets myself. NO to just about anything that is going to make my mostly manageable life even a little bit more complicated.
You can see that I’m maybe a little bit spoiled.
So it stands to reason that I’m a little bit terrible at handling life’s dog piles.
You know like, how I put a girl’s weekend beach trip on the calendar last October, proceeded to double check with my childcare (John) for six weeks leading up to it, and then find out on Sunday night (while I’m in Hilton Head) that John has a trial scheduled for Monday morning. Not a hearing. Not a calendar call. A trial. A show up at 9:30am and start choosing jury members trial.
Mm. Hm.
And every mama who has ever left kids at home for more than 24 hours knows, the amount of work it takes to not be home is singly the most compelling factor when measuring the relaxation level of the vacation itself. I mean, I can say right now, there are certain beach trips to certain locations or with certain people that would absolutely not be worth being away from my kids for more than 24 hours. And I have an above average husband running things in my absence, and an above average need to be away from my children.
So.
This is the week of catch up.
I run my laundry on a bi-weekly (or more) schedule. With four children and towels in three bathrooms and sheets and two kids in diapers who sleep long hours, I could easily do laundry every day of the week all the time forever. But even my type-A personality has its limits.
This means one week out of the month is a little ridiculous.
Naturally, that week is this week. When I came home on Monday afternoon, there was no clean underwear, no clean towels, no PJ’s, no more bibs, and some seriously stinky sheets. We were out of bread and all fruit. The house was pretty well picked up, but not ready for the cleaning lady on Tuesday.
And John has a trial this week. (For those of you who are referencing Ally McBeal or Law and Order right now, let me assure you that TV condenses things considerably.)
His stint as a stay at home dad ended abruptly.
I can’t complain. His life is infinitely more difficult than mine right now.
We are both at the bottom of a dog pile.
This is why I drove through both the school carline and the Starbucks drive-thru barefoot and in my robe. This is why my mother has asked me to measure a window in my house about four times and I still haven’t done it. This is why all I want to do on Mother’s Day is mow the lawn, order pizza, and drink beer at 3pm.
My beach vacation was wonderful and refreshing and outstandingly empty of the daily grind and demands of motherhood, the incessant two year old questions, the non stop bickering extreme or silliness extreme, meals, and dishes, and messes.
But it was also a wonderful reminder that sometimes the most relaxing moments happen right here in my own house. Those freakish alignments of the stars when no one needs anything for thirty solid minutes. When the house smells like fresh towels, drawers are full of clean underwear, and I remember to pull something out of the freezer for dinner before noon.
Here’s a big fat sigh of gratitude for those thirty minutes of bliss.
Had the most annoying day today at Walmart. Well. Actually that’s wrong. Had a STANDARDLY annoying day today at Walmart. But that damn kitty litter box is returned and I got two tomato cages for my big plants and was judged by what I can only assume was a mom from Clemmons…. “IF MY KID WANTS TO IMPALE HIS EYEBALLS ON A TOMATO CAGE HE WILL DAMMIT. STOP BEING SUPERMOM FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S KIDS. NOBODY NEEDS YOU.” Things I maybe almost said.
John to me:
Ha.
I had a similar incident at Home Depot when Isaiah was helping me carry that long piece of metal in the garage by the diaper pail.
The cashier was freaking out that he would cut his hand on it.
Me to John:
Yes well, after the eyeball moment, Avery snatched a plastic bag out of the cart and decided to eat it.
Things I wrote a week ago and never hit “publish” and promptly forgot about. Have been suffering from some serious Spring Forward Grog this week, and I suspect others are as well. This won’t take long. Happy Friday, and Happy Spring Break.
John and the kids are running a 5K this morning and I’m at home with sleeping Avery, a hot cup of coffee, and a half a donut.
I know I’ve mentioned that I don’t like to use my blog as my secret public journal, but today, just for fun, I’m going to publish what should otherwise be written with a felt-tip pen on a blank page of a green spiral bound sketch pad.
There was a time in my life when I really loved journaling. I’m a line-free journaler. I don’t draw, I don’t even really doodle, but I do love a brand new blank sketch pad and some felt tip pens. And it just happens that I’m particularly skilled with writing in perfectly straight lines. (Even on a white board.)
After four kids I’ve changed my mind about something. I now believe wholeheartedly that personalities are pretty much engrained. And because I know this to be true, I also know that I do not get to look forward to a fourth child who never talks. Blabber-mouth #4 folks.
Two things I miss most about teaching: (1) Friday silent reading for 45 minutes in each class for a total of 135 minutes of weekly pleasure reading for me. (2) Ten minute guided-journaling at the beginning of each class, which I participated in with my my students most days of the week.
Though I like to take time to write down my things-to-do every day, I often make lists of things I’ve already done, just to have a tangible sense of stay-at-home mom accomplishment. (And you can only imagine how it feels now that I’ve hired someone to clean my house, three-quarters of my weekly to-do list erased in one day by one amazing woman.)
It is cold outside, but the sun is shining and daylight savings ends tonight. Spring is on the way but not quite here. Half of me is still hibernating. Half of me is itching to spring clean something. Maybe I just need to spring clean my brain.
Isaiah pronounces his sister’s name “Ee-vray,” and I hope it sticks for life.
I want to start my garden this weekend and I really want to grow blueberries in my yard.
Has anyone stuck with the New Year’s Resolution this year? Didn’t make a resolution this year? Here’s another idea: call an attorney get your estate planning documents in order. You need three: a Last Will and Testament, a Healthcare Power of Attorney, and a Durable Power of Attorney. If you have kids and you haven’t done this, put it on your own Spring Cleaning list.
It is Lent and I didn’t give anything up. I haven’t even considered a 40 day spiritual focus of any kind. Throughout most of high school and all of college I was bombarded with the church teaching of daily “quiet time” which is not happening regularly, or even a few times a week month, or even really at all. I feel no guilt about this and I’m quite sure I’ve done more spiritual growth in the last eight years than in all of high school and college combined.
Yesterday I had a conversation with my neighbor about a fight she recently had with her husband and I was so delighted and relieved to know that John and I are normal. I mean. I know we are normal. But God. It was refreshing to hear someone else admit the same kind of childish things we do and say in the presence of unconditional love. I guess it is easier to be transparent when you are truly that confident of forgiveness and acceptance on the other side of the temper tantrum.
Watching New Girl on Netflix right now and I do believe it is the perfect replacement for those of us who never missed an episode of Friends ten years ago. John thinks it is better than Friends.
Whenever I have pre-bed anxiety and find myself exhausted but unable to fall asleep, I just imagine Pinterest pages of organized closets and laundry rooms, and things that utilize a label-maker, and somehow that does the trick.
I plan to never give in to the current parenting trend of owning an expensive camera. That way I can simply say of all my non-expert-lighting snapshots, “Yeah, I took that on an iPhone,” but whenever I take a really great picture I can say, “Yeah, I took that on an iPhone!”
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I am 33 years old and I have four kids currently under the age of 8. My husband and I were both college educated and career driven in our twenties, so arguably, we started our family much earlier than planned.
Perhaps it is because I was one of the first of my peer group to actually have children that I frequently find myself dispensing unsolicited parenting advice. Or, perhaps it is because despite their personalities, my children are all generally well-behaved in public.
Obviously I’m no expert, but here are a few tips that not only work for me, but work for others. When it comes to raising a family, I simply do not believe in hunkering down and pushing through unpleasant behavioral phases. “This too shall pass,” might be true, but if there’s any way to speed up that process, I’m all for it.
The following is my best baseline parenting advice. Though there isn’t necessarily one magic trick that changes all behavior, it turns out there are a few habits that help more than anything else.
1. Clean up Your Stuff
I’ve always been disorganized. It works for me. I mean, maybe others can’t find anything in my house, but I know where everything is.
Yes, okay, maybe this has been working for you. But walk into the classroom of any seasoned elementary school teacher, and what do you see? Toys, papers, crayons, and math manipulatives gathered into random piles and stuffed in corners? Cluttered countertops and drawers that won’t close? No. Anyone who has ever hoped to have any kind of success with kids and behavior on any sort of regular basis knows that all around basic cleanliness is key.
Kids thrive in order. This is not to say that many cannot adapt to disorder – obviously thousands are forced to do so every day. But the behavior battle is made infinitely easier when mom and dad start with a clean playing ground. This means your house, your kitchen, your kids’ rooms, your car, and maybe even your back yard, need to be tidy. And they need to start tidy every single day. Kids need to see that everything has a place, and at the end of a playing period, or the end of a day, it all goes back to where it came from.
I don’t care how old your kids are, if they live at home, you can and should be in control of when they go to bed. Most experts agree that 8pm is a perfectly reasonable bedtime for kids under the age of 12. I would argue that kids under the age of 12 thrive on about ten hours of sleep.
Oh, my son has never been a big sleeper. He simply doesn’t need it.
Does your child have trouble staying focused in school? Does your child argue with you over doing reasonable household chores? Does your child need constant stimulation during his waking hours, or else he becomes bored and irritable? Is your child unable to entertain himself without the television or handheld electronics?
If you answered yes to any of the above, I would submit that your child might not in fact have the ADHD that many people have suggested you look into. In fact, my first suggestion would be to look at your child’s sleep habits. If they are irregular or if he is getting fewer than 10 hours of sleep a night, you might look into solving this issue before dispensing the Ritalin.
I don’t even need to go into the number of sleep studies that have proven how beneficial it is for humans to get a regular amount of sleep and to be on a regular sleep routine. We all know what lack
of sleep does to adults, including raising stress, increasing inability to focus, reducing immunity, and highly affecting weight gain. Well, all of these things are true for kids as well. But additionally, kids need sleep to grow. They need sleep for their brains to mature. They need sleep to regenerate muscles, fight sickness, and even sufficiently digest food.
In his book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Marc Weissbluth suggests that an infant’s need for sleep is just as important and just as basic as her need for food and shelter. If your baby is hungry, feed her. If she is cold, make her warm. If she is wet or dirty, change her. And if she is tired, sleep her.
Right now, the number of ADHD diagnoses is off the charts. Fine. Blame the structure of public schools. Blame the pharmaceutical markets for pushing easy and cheap drugs (that seem to work). Blame food allergies and sugar and the hormones in milk and red dye #40. But how many doctors are blaming lack of sleep? How many parents are even considering insufficient sleep as part of the problem?
Again, disregard this advice if your kid goes to bed every night at a reasonable hour, gets an ample amount of sleep, and still has problems focusing in school. But if not, consider bumping back that bedtime, gradually if need be, until he’s falling asleep close to 8 o’clock, and see what happens.
3. Make Family Dinner a Priority
How many nights a week does your family sit down for a meal, at a table, at the same time, without any phones, TVs, or other distractions? According to a 2013 Gallup Poll, fifty-three percent of adults with children younger than 18 say their family eats dinner together, at home, six or seven nights a week. One author suggested this number is actually a positive number. But here’s what I see: only about half of American families are regularly sitting down for dinner together.
Further statistics have revealed an immense number of behavioral benefits that seem to be directly connected to regular family dinners. Among kids who regularly (meaning just two or more nights a week) sit down and have dinner as a family without electronic distractions, GPA’s are generally higher, high school graduation rate is higher, college attendance and scholarship money is higher, and kids moving out of parents house at a reasonable age is higher. Subsequently, drug and alcohol abuse, rate of teenage pregnancy, drop-out rates, depression and suicide rates, rates of childhood obesity and type 2 diabetes, and juvenile criminal activity is drastically reduced.
All of this by sitting down for dinner, together, a couple nights a week.
I want to scream, “It’s not that hard, people!” The truth is, I know that it is difficult for those who have never made it a priority. It is a habit change that will most definitely require some work on everyone’s part. But with such staggering statistics supporting such positive behavior patterns in teenagers, to me, it is a no brainer. Oh and by the way, if you start when your kids are little, the behavior results are equally as positive. Your children will develop habits of talking to you, for one thing. They will learn manners. They will learn healthy eating habits. They will generally be more pleasant in the presence of adults. And you, as a parent, will be infinitely more aware of what goes on in their little heads.
4. Teach, Model, and Reinforce Respect
I started using the words “respect” and “disrespect” with all of my children at a very early age. The fact is, these are current and popular buzzwords in the school system anyway, so why not make them buzzwords in the home as well. When it comes to respect in my house, I have the Big Three. Respect yourself, respect others, and respect belongings.
Respect has become the trump card in nearly all behavioral battles. So how do I do this?
For starters, my husband and I make our kids respond to us with “Yes, Mommy,” or “Yes, Daddy.”
This means anytime I give a direction in my house, my kids say Yes,Mommy. When I call for one of them from downstairs to upstairs, they do not respond with “What?!” they respond with “Yes, Mommy?” Even basic yes or no questions like “Do you want a peanut butter sandwich for lunch?” receives a “Yes, Mommy.”
I’m actually going to take a moment here and say that this is not the same thing as “Yes, Sir,” and “Yes, Ma’am,” and, that Yes, Sir and Yes, Ma’am are not as effective.
Here’s why. Yes, Sir and Yes, Ma’am are actually very common manners taught in the South. Almost all of my students used Yes, Ma’am regularly with me in the classroom. Almost all of the kids in my neighborhood respond to their fathers with Yes, Sir. And sure. It sounds very polite. It sounds very respectful. But what I’ve come to realize in the last ten years, is that it communicates respect exactly as often as it does not.
This is to say, it is a habitual response that many kids blurt out robotically, without thought, whether they respect the person they are speaking to or not. Sure, some very nice children use these phrases and sound very respectful when they do. But a lot of not-so-nice children use these phrases with just as much regularity as the nice kids. There’s really no visible difference. To me, sir and ma’am are titles of self-given authority. There is often a relational distance between the person using the word “Ma’am” and the person responding to it.
Teaching my children to say “Yes, Mommy” and “Yes, Daddy” is different, because to them, “Mommy” is my name. I’m not teaching them a response that can be used on everyone. I’m teaching them to acknowledge me personally when they respond to me. I’m teaching them to stop, to think, and to actively listen, then respectfully respond. In the classroom, I did not allow my students to say “Yes, Ma’am.” Instead, I taught them to respond with “Yes, Mrs. Wait.” And my own children respond the same way to other adults, addressing them by name rather than by label.
I call this the “Yes, Mommy,” card and I use it all the time. Yes, Mommy is an immediate argument stopper. “You do not get to ask why, you say yes, Mommy.” I do not engage my children in power-struggles, and I’ve found that quickest way to end them is to play the Yes, Mommy card.
5. Punish/Reward Attitudes, Not Behaviors
There is a point in every child’s life in which they can and must be treated like puppies. Simple commands like, Come, Sit, Good Boy, and Not a Toy, are perfectly acceptable modes of communication with children under the age of 3. Likewise, a physical redirection or even a swat on the hand or bottom is a very effective mode of enforcing physical boundaries with children under the age of 3.
And, please, don’t misread the metaphor. I’m operating under the assumption that I’m not talking here to Michael Vick.
Even if you are absolutely anti-spanking, I think if we were all completely honest with ourselves, we’d admit that when it comes to behavior, most humans have far more unconditional love and patience for bad behavior in a puppy than we we do in our own kids. Because when it comes to puppies, it is never personal.
Kids are similar. It often feels personal and is therefore difficult to be direct, simple, and still loving. It is difficult not to lose our ever-loving minds when we feel like we’ve been giving the same direction for three straight weeks.
It is hard to get mad at a puppy. This is what I’m advocating for.
When my children are nearing age 4 that I begin to transition from a focus on their behaviors to a focus on their attitudes.
Before I was a high school classroom teacher, I was a counselor at a behavioral wilderness camp for juvenile delinquent teens. It was there that I first experienced the kind of fear I would one day witness in many of my colleagues in the public school, and later many of my peers who were and are parents of teenagers.
The fear I’m talking about is, at its core, the fear of rebellious teenage behavior. It is a difficult behavior to describe because it manifests itself in so many different ways. Some teens become withdrawn and seem to be apathetic about everything. They aren’t doing anything specifically wrong or disruptive, but they aren’t seeking any achievement or striving to become better at anything.
Other teens become silently hostile, threatening to explode in a fit of rage at the drop of a hat. Teachers and parents sense a threatening air about them and walk on eggshells, hoping the mood will pass. Don’t say anything and no one gets hurt.
And some teens have made a habit of sneaking around and lying about all of the things they are doing and know they shouldn’t be. Parents may not be able to catch their child in the act despite knowing it is going on. These parents drive themselves mad with paranoia and consider locking their children in their rooms until they are 30.
Make no mistake, this kind of behavior is not actually limited to teens. Even my five year old has days where I can’t quite pinpoint a specific behavioral moment to stop and punish, but the entire day and the entire family seems to be controlled by her mood.
This is not okay.
Let me repeat: if your child has control over your behavior, something is wrong.
This is why I begin the habit of punishing and rewarding attitudes as early as four years old. In my house, it is completely common to stop my child in the middle of seemingly nothing and say, “I don’t know what is wrong, but you are communicating anger, hurt, and disrespect with everything you do. You can either talk about what is bothering you, or you can go sit in your room until you are ready to talk, but you will not control the family with your bad mood today.”
There’s that word again, disrespect.
I refuse to let my children assert a power need over the entire family that stems from a feeling of hurt, anger, inequality, or disrespect.
Attacking the attitude, rather than waiting for the attitude to manifest itself in an outward display immediately accomplishes two things. First, it shows the child in question that I am not only in control, but that I’m aware of what is going on despite the lack of immediate or obvious problems. Second (and possibly most important), it communicates to all my other children that I am in control and therefore provides emotional security in the house.
And in case you need to hear this, emotional security for the entire family is imperative to your success as a parent. Emotional security in my classroom was imperative to my success as a teacher, and don’t for one minute think I didn’t call out my students on these attitudes as soon as they popped up.
The beautiful thing is that once the elephant in the room has been identified, it is much easier to deal with him. Feelings are often resolved very quickly, and the entire atmosphere changes from something that was once negatively charged, to something that feels safe and secure again.
Mark my words. 4 year olds absolutely understand the word “attitude” and can be taught what is appropriate. And when things are good, instead of saying “Good job cleaning up all by yourself,” I try to compliment their helpful attitudes. I might say, “I’ve noticed you are doing all of your jobs in the morning quickly and without arguing, but I’ve also noticed throughout the day that you have a very helpful attitude. I love and appreciate your helpful attitude. Thank you for respecting me and Daddy and our rules.”
Your Thoughts
When it comes to dealing with bad behavior in children, many parents are looking for creative discipline ideas. And though I believe punishment certainly has its place in child-raising, I’ve come to realize the majority of my success comes much more from the pre-emptive strike and setting myself (and my children) up for success. Like I said (over and over), I’m not an expert, but these 5 habits have truly revolutionized my approach to parenting. Please comment below with your thoughts or questions, and feel free to share!
I have been using these Super Wash Balls exclusively for my loads of sheets and towels for about two years. I am speaking only from personal experience here to say, yes, undoubtedly, this product has rid my towels of that musty smell. In fact, my towels not only smell fresh but they have maintained much of their original softness.
has ever hoped to have any kind of success with kids and behavior on any sort of regular basis knows that all around basic cleanliness is key.
If you answered yes to any of the above, I would submit that your child might not in fact have the ADHD that many people have suggested you look into. In fact, my first suggestion would be to look at your child’s sleep habits. If they are irregular or if he is getting fewer than 10 hours of sleep a night, you might look into solving this issue before dispensing the Ritalin.
The UnderToad 