Be Realistic

I try very hard not to use this blog as an outlet for anything more than silliness and story telling.  I’m not trying to impart wisdom.  I’m not trying to convert anyone to a new sense of self, nor am I really looking for support and agreement in everything I write.  This is why there are a number of topics I generally avoid.  But I’ve been sort of chewing on something for about a week now that  I’ve been reluctant to blog about because it encompasses neither of my two intended purposes for blogging, and frankly, I still haven’t really worked out exactly how I feel or what I think.  I just can’t stop thinking about it.

John and I wake up to a clock-radio alarm every morning.  For most of our marriage, it was tuned in to the only channel it would pick up in our basement apartment, which was the conservative talk radio show, “Brad and Britt.”  To be honest, I liked getting my news and weather report sometime before leaving the house, and I didn’t really mind the rest.  But then one day, we just decided we were tired of Brad and Britt.  John didn’t have a preference, so I changed our wake-up call to K-Love.

Of all things.

I don’t love contemporary Christian music.  In junior high and high school, I’ve confessed, it was all I listened to.  But now, I find myself listening and thinking that all of it must be written and performed by the exact same band.  Many times, I feel like I’m listening to the same seventeen-minute long song, which has just been interrupted a few times by some Focus on the Family commercials.

Today, however, I am admitting, it isn’t the music on K-Love that has me annoyed.  It is the DJ’s.  And the callers.  And the topics of conversation.  And the general sense of sameness when it comes to these topics.  But even when I thought I was at the peak of my annoyance a couple of weeks ago, I was still able to admit that K-Love has a very specific targeted audience, and for this audience, it really is a decent outlet on the advice, encouragement, and ministry scales.

Sometime mid-last week, one of the male DJ’s was hosting the show alone, and I woke up to the topic of the hour, which was apparently a quote.  I didn’t hear who said the quote (and maybe the DJ didn’t say), but here it is:

Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity.

My first reaction was to question whether I actually agreed.  Maybe this is because I fancy myself a pretty realistic person, but by no means, would I say I suffer from mediocrity.  As caller after caller chimed in to sing the praises of the wisdom and profoundness in this quote, I laid in bed growing more and more agitated, when finally, a woman called in to disagree.

At last.

Unfortunately, by the end of her ninety second air-time, the DJ had her convinced of the facts that, (1) Jesus’ministry was anything but realistic, if you think about it (and thank God for that or where would we be right now?), and (2) the quote really has two sides, and she could see the value in each side.

Today I finally Googled the quote.

It was spoken by Will Smith.

The context of Will Smith wisdom is unsurprisingly similar to the context of Oprah Winfrey wisdom.  It is a classic rags-to-riches and mama-didn’t-raise-no-fool story.  Honestly, this advice is really no different from that Thought-For-The-Day Calendar proverb:

Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you might end up among the stars.

Let’s be realistic.

If you miss the moon, what are the odds you went far enough to reach the stars?  I mean, the moon is entire light years closer to Earth than any of the stars.  Let’s not even get into the fact that, realistically, average humans who have landed among the stars were probably only shooting for the top of the Sears Tower in the first place, and either by a stroke of luck, or multiple strokes of hard work and discipline, they worked their way a little further than the rest.

Whatever happened to setting attainable goals, and then, by putting one foot in front of the other, actually reaching those goals?

And don’t tell me Jesus Christ wasn’t realistic.  As a mere human, he was one of the few religious leaders of his time (who am I kidding, of all time) who was able to command the attention of an audience of common people and actually get them to understand what he was saying.  Usually in a reasonable amount of time.  But then again,  he was also God.  I think that means it was pretty realistic for the guy to be turning water into wine, healing lepers, and rising from the dead.  I mean, God, as I know Him, made humans out of dirt.  But first, He had to make the dirt.  Anyone who has ever attempted to teach high school freshmen how to write essays can appreciate the difficulty of creating something out of nothing.

I think I understand what Will was thinking when he made this comment, I’m just not sure he was talking to people like me.  I happen to enjoy my above-average, not mediocre, realistic thinking.  On the other hand, John says I have a slightly delusional view of reality, and perhaps even upon publication of this post, I’m only further announcing my disconnection from others, due to my rose-colored Claire Wait glasses that I natuarlly assume everyone else is simultaneously wearing.

Come on.  It doesn’t matter what I say.  People know what I mean.

How To Survive Riding in the Car with Kids

So I was just thinking about how my former thirty-minute commute to and from work used to be the best hour of my day. Exactly two stoplights and two stop signs, me and my coffee, whittling down my reading list one audio-book at a time. Or there were the days of reconnecting with my ex-boyfriend, NPR. I feel bad that I seem to have ended things without much closure. Now, when I tune in, usually right after dropping off the girls at school, I just feel like we’re strangers. I’ve been gone for so long I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in Africa right now.

Sigh.

Though I might be in the car the same amount of time every day, it is anything but relaxing or enlightening. Between fielding one hundred and one questions a minute, retrieving whatever garbage toy has once again landed outside the grasp of the 5-point harness, or quelching the inevitable Mom, she’s breathing my air argument, I’ve found that it is just easier to drown everything out with music. Unfortunately, because iPods have basically replaced CDs and my 2004 Hyundai is not equipped with a universal Apple jack, we do a lot of listening to the radio.

And at the risk of exposing myself to ridicule from high school friends and shame-shame eyes from the church moms, I make the following confession: Katy Perry has fully replaced K-Love and conservative talk radio on my list of acceptable car listening. In fact, dare I say it, I’ve never been a fan of Top-40 radio until now. It’s like in the past two years, pop has actually become auditorally digestible. And delicious.

Unfortunately, the result might be the creation of two teeny-bopper-monsters. Both of my children now request songs and artists by name, and sing and dance in the backseat like little thirteen year olds. Sometimes it is cute. Sometimes I have to suppress a shudder. But generally, I’m fully in favor of impromptu Lady Gaga inspired dance parties, even if they are from the backseat of the car.

Right now, Carter’s favorite song is “Oh-Ah Kisses.” Some of you might know it by its more common name, Pumped Up Kicks, by Foster the People. Here’s a little sampling of Eliott/Carter song lyric translation:

All the other kids with oh-ah kisses, and around and around, faster than my solen.
All the other kids who want that kisses, and around and around, faster than my father.

Yesterday Eliott announced from the backseat, “Turn it up Mommy, it’s the whistling part. I like this part. Oh, now they’re whistling and singing at the same time, so I get to choose.” And what did she choose, you ask? Well, because Eliott cannot yet whistle, she formed her own version of “whistling and singing at the same time,” which is one of those adorable sounds that will probably make me run the car off a cliff one day.

Self Actualization

The price of gas is once again on the rise, the gym is full of New-Year’s-Resolution-targeted-weight-losers, every health insurance premium rose (and benefits declined) in America eight days ago, and somebody else just got diagnosed with cancer, just now.

And what are we freaking out about this morning?  Red leggings and a Highlight’s calendar.  Stickers, to be more specific.

No.  Not my four-year old.  Me.

Last Thursday was the first meeting of the MOMS group I sporadically attend for the year.  Much like last year, the focus for the lesson that day was about reaching into our inner passions and setting goals for what we can be doing with our lives right now, using our gifts, blessing others, blah, blah, blah.  So at the very end, the speaker posed this question (to a room full of mothers): “If you didn’t have children (or a husband, ha ha) to take care of right now, what would you be doing with your time?”

It was supposed to be an exercise in self-reflection, so I was honest when I wrote on my 3X5 card: “I’m 30.  If I didn’t have a husband in my life right now, let’s face it, I’d probably be out looking for one.  And if I didn’t have kids to take care of right now, I’d be trying to get pregnant.”

Okay, so this wasn’t the popular passion of the room that day.  But when I stripped away everything else, and really thought about what I’ve always wanted in my life, I can tell you that the answer has never been something about a career, or a level of wealth, or a position of success.  When I was about 15, I’m pretty sure I still enjoyed playing house.  Most of my daydreams (and many of my night dreams) from high school included sitting around a big table eating a meal with a family that was all mine.  A big one.  Lots of noise.  Lots of good food.  And a pervading feeling of contentment.

While most women I know are making goals to lose weight and de-clutter their lives, I’m using my gym membership to get free babysitting and wondering how in the world we’re ever going to be able to afford the furniture we could really use in this house.  (Clutter is currently the least of our worries.)  I realize that by comparing myself to most women my age, it often appears that I’m trying to paint myself in a corner of superiority.  I don’t necessarily do this to make others feel worse about their situations, but in my super secret inner vault of insecurity, it is the easiest way to remind myself to stop waiting for the next best thing.

I’m not exactly sure what any of this has to do with stop-with-the-stickers-already and no-you-can’t-wear-red-and-pink-together-not-today-not-ever.  But I’m feeling an overwhelming urge to stop making passion-based plans for my future, stop complaining about how certain pairs of pants make my butt look too small, and stop freaking out about when we’re finally going to arrive at some magical place and moment of contentment.

Did anyone else jump on The Happiness Project bandwagon last year?  *Guilty.  My word of the year?

Joy.

In hindsight, it might have been a little lofty, but somehow I still understand exactly what I was thinking when I chose it.  I haven’t actually decided on a word for 2012, or even whether to chose one at all.

Instead, this year I’m starting off by summoning my 15 year old self and yelling at her: “We have arrived!”

Life with Eliott and Carter: A Year in Status Updates

The title pretty much says it all, and as I haven’t finished baby books for either of my children I’ll consider this the next best thing.  I promise, quotes have been recorded as delivered, likely within minutes of actual origination.

“Eliott, did you have any friends in your class this morning?”
“Yeah! There was the boogery one and the not-boogery one.”
Oh how I wish I could use such description in my personal life without offending anyone.
February 3

Eliott is learning to rhyme: “Napkin. Mapkin. Slap him.”
February 28

“Hey mom, you know what I’m feeding Lamby Lamb? Apple juice, green grass, and beer.”
Lucky Lamby Lamb.
March 3

M (losing patience): Eliott, are you brushing your teeth?!
E: No. I’m figuring.
M: Figuring WHAT?!
E: I’m trying to figure out how Jesus had a son named God.
March 4

“We got to have the ABC’s cereal, with the little marshmallows. But no milk.”
I can’t decide if it’s cute that my child has no idea what Lucky Charms are, or just sad.
March 16

Eliott’s version of Twisted Sister (a non-conformist in the making): “YES. We’re gonna take it! YES, we’re gonna take it! Anymore…”
March 21

Every time we get in the car my 4-year old requests Amy Macdonald on the radio, to which her sister always replies (singing), “E-I-E-I-O.”
March 22

M: Eliott, if we make chocolate pudding tonight, there won’t be any more milk for breakfast tomorrow.
E: Mommy, I would like to have water with my breakfast.  Does that sound fine?  That sounds fine with me.
March 26

Carter’s official first sentence: “I want this.” Let it be said, she knew before she was 2.
March 29

Elmo is making cupcakes on Dr. Oz.  Carter’s head is exploding.
March 30

Despite my pseudo death-lessons through balloons and refrigerator pictures, I’m just not ready to explain Bambi’s mom to Eliott.
April 5

Introspective Eliott: “If Carter dies, we might have to get a dog or a kitty cat.”
April 13

E: Anji’s skinny, Dragon’s skinny, Uncle Daniel’s skinny…
M: Am I skinny?
E: No. You are not skinny. Daddy’s skinny.
M: What does skinny mean, Eliott?
E: It means you have hair on your back.
April 17

“Hey Mom, you are fat as Jesus.” -Eliott Wait for president-
April 22

“I did not steal Carter’s money. I’m sharing all the money.” Eliott understands Socialism.
April 24

My neighbors are outside putting together a new basketball hoop as a family. Eliott just came in the front door and announced (unprompted), “Mom, that’s the Evil Stepmother out there.”
April 30

E: In one month it will be summer?
M: Yes.
E: That means, no more Clemmons house?
M: No. That means no more pre-school.
E: No more PRE-SCHOOL!? Oh no! I’m gonna die!
That makes two of us.
May 5

Eliott: But I don’t like being good, Mommy. I like being naughty.
Me: Why do you like being naughty?
Eliott (eyebrows shooting up and a crazy smile crossing her face): Because it’s fun! Being good is not fun. And we have no fun toys.
June 13

E: Well, then I smelled this one bathroom and it wasn’t even stinky. It smelled like princess.
M: What does princess smell like?
E: It smells like, good. It smells like steak.
June 23

Coming home from a week at Grandma’s house = “All my toys! I missed these so much!” (Not going anywhere in a hurry today. More coffee? Sure, would love some…)
June 24

Sisterly love or Jr. High dance pose? You decide. June 26


When I walked into her room this morning, Carter’s exclamation could be interpreted in one of two ways: “I toot!” or “I two!” Given that today is July 7th, I’m going with the latter. Happy Birthday Big Girl.

July 7

Made it to Knoxville despite the 4 going on 74 year old in the seat behind me announcing through every downpour, “We never should have left our house tonight.”
July 9

Watching Robinhood  or “Robin Neighborhood,” according to Eliott, who can’t understand how Prince John is a “boy queen.”
July 13

Discipline Tactic #14: “Child. DO you want a beating?!”
Carter Translation: “Bandaid? I need Bandaid.”
Fair enough.
July 26

This is what I call a successful morning. August 2

Child pooped on my foot this morning. That was a first.
August 17

Had to change my directions to the ever specific: Stop. Touching. People. Period.
August 19

Eliott at CVS: “Hey mommy, are these ear drops?” (Holding up a value pack of enema kits.) “It says you can either do them with your bottom up, or your bottom down.”
August 31

As Eliott brags to the older neighborhood kids about her new ability to ride a two-wheeler, she seems blissfully unaware that her shoes are on the wrong feet.
September 6

Eliott’s teacher when I picked her up at preschool this morning: “So, did Eliott dress herself today?”
Wondering what’s wrong with the Hawaiian dress and jean jacket I mumble a tentative yes, question-mark.
Teacher: “It seems she forgot to wear her panties to school.”
September 12

Things you might find yourself doing as a mother: reaching a gloved hand into the toilet because your 4 year old has informed you she thinks a toy just came out of her bottom.
September 13

Eliott's list of important people. September 29

You know you’re a good parent when your children fight over who gets to pray at dinner.
October 1

“I’m a grown up. I’m practicing being a grown up,” Eliott said as she worked with her plastic fork and knife. Then, with that ever smug glaze in her eyes (knowing she was doing something so grown up) she started belting out a tune from Yo Gabba Gabba.
October 2

Dinner table wedding discussion: “I can’t believe at Erica’s party that Dragon took Erica’s underwear off and just threw it. To all the people. Yeah.  I can’t believe that he did that.” – Eliott Wait
October 5

When she’s wearing jeans, Carter frequently experiences moments of frustration confusing her fly for a 3rd pocket.
October 6

How’s this for honesty?
“I bite Diego nipple.” -Carter Wait, after church.

October 11

Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” comes on the radio and Carter starts cracking up. Then, from the backseat she starts singing, “Ba Ba- Booger Face.”
October 28

You have not known frustration, until you have attempted to put mittens on a 2 year old and gloves on a 4 year old, and actually get all the fingers in their correct places.
November 17

At the drive-thru to get my buy one get one Starbucks special and Carter yells from the backseat to the window (with authority): “I want chicken-uggets and chock-it milk!” She then repeated chocolate milk at least four times, emphasis on “chock-it” each time.
November 18

My genius 2 year old: Last night at dinner, Carter looked at Grandma Wait and said, “Grandma. You not boss!” She then smacked Grandma’s hand like a mommy disciplining a child. It took her point two seconds to realize her mistake and immediately recovered by smiling and announcing, “High five?”
November 23

Eliott: Mommy, I need to send Peyton a message tomorrow.
Me: Oh. You want to write him a letter?
Eliott: Yes, and do you know what the letter will be?
Me: What?
Eliott: E. But I need to send Peyton a message tomorrow too.
November 26

Before soccer practice:
Daddy: Okay, when you take their ball away, then what do you do?
Eliott: Say sorry.
It seems my daughter has inherited her father’s body and her mother’s brain.
December 12

Carter finishes singing in her pre-school Christmas program, comes back to sit with me and announces to a silent congregation from the second row: “Mommy.  Let me see your nipples.”
December 14

Yes that is play dough, hot chocolate, and dress up. Proof that fun does happen on my watch, despite my reputation for the contrary. December 16

On Christmas: The most fought over toy of the year has to be the Dirt Devil Jr I found on Craigslist last summer for about $5. Eliott was found down on her hands and knees just before church yesterday, “cleaning” under the stove with the hose attachment. Santa-mom wins again.
December 26

Dad: Eliott, you are getting so tall.  You have to stop growing.
Eliott: No!  I need to keep growing.  That’s how life works.
Dad: But I like you small.  Will you stay small for me?
Eliott: Well, no, I want to be tall.  I want to be able to reach things without using stools all the time.
January 1

Read Life with Eliott, 2010  here.

New Year’s Resolutions

I used to create elaborate lists of resolutions, typical mundane things like exercise my heart, mind, and body in new and exciting ways, on a more consistent basis or be kinder to my family, friends, strangers, humanity in general (I’ve maybe accomplished a quarter of that one and it is an ongoing struggle), and, according to my high school and college journals, this one seemed to be a particular favorite: make time every day to read my Bible and pray. (*God, does it bother you that we Christians have to write you into our daily and yearly to-do lists to remember to talk to you?) Continue reading “New Year’s Resolutions”

2011 UnderToad Awards

*Disclaimers: The awards below reflect the opinion of the author and are not paid endorsements of any kind, though if you are interested in receiving paid endorsements for your business or your product, feel free to comment below.  Also, please understand these titles may not reflect a 2011 release date (but likely reflect thinkgs which can be found on Netflix), as I’m often years behind on my pop-cultural trends.

The Books that Made Me Cry Award:

  • The Help by Katharyn Stockett
  • A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
  • Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand
  • The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak

The Welcome To The Club Award :

  • Mad Men
  • Dexter

The Wait a Minute, Maybe My Style In High School Was Both Socially Appropriate and Hip Award:

  • Dawson’s Creek Seasons 1-4

The You Are the Only Thing Ruining this Show for Me Award:

  • Aubrey Plaza as April Ludgate, on Parks and Rec

The Please Do a 2015 Reunion Season of this Show, NBC Award:

  • Friday Night Lights

The TV Personalities I Just Can’t Hate, No Matter How Hard I Try Award:

  • Donald Trump
  • Gordon Ramsay

The TV Personalities I Couldn’t Hate More Award:

  • Alison Sweeney, as herself, on The Biggest Loser (not Sami from Days)

The I Actually Hate Facebook Less Because of this Movie Award:

  • The Social Network

The You are the Only Thing that Redeemed this Movie for Me Award:

  • Melissa McCarthy (as Megan) and Jon Hamm, in Bridesmaids

The Artists Most Likely to be Heard Pumping in my Future Mini-Van as Per the Request of My Children and Husband Award:

  • Lady Gaga
  • Katy Perry
  • Rhianna

The Public Place John and I are Most Likely to be Hit on By the Same Number of Men & Favorite Restaurant of the Year Awards:

  • 6th and Vine

The Enough With the Wordy Creativity, Just Get to the Deal Already Award:

  • Groupon

 

Drugstore Scam

I like to take any chance I am afforded to I-told-you-so my Washington DC brother-in-law. First, the guy went to West Point and served two tours in Iraq flying helicopters in the Army. He taught himself French or Italian or Swahili during the first tour using Rosetta Stone and now he attends grad school at Georgetown for a higher degree in international spying, or something like that. More than once when talking to my sister on the phone her husband was in the background playing video games, which John translates as, “Either he’s okay with making really bad grades, or his classes just aren’t hard enough.” He catches grammatical and spelling mistakes in my blog with more frequency than my mother and husband combined, but usually has the decency not to tell me until after I have finally corrected them myself. He’s probably good at crossword puzzles. My family likes to joke that we can’t figure out how Laura managed to marry such a smart man and in the same breath we’re all thanking God she did.

My middle sister is one of the most positive and loving humans I have managed to keep close to me in life. My baby sister and I attribute Laura’s lack of cynicism to the same thing inside her responsible for her SAT scores and disinterest in reading. Bless her heart, she’s just not wired to over-think things, or fully think things, as the case may be. Meanwhile, her genius husband is doing enough over-thinking for the both of them. The guy is usually a second away from labeling something he does not recognize (or fully understand) as a scam.

I got an email from Claire the other day about some ‘House Party?’ I deleted it though. I think it was scam.

No Laura, we are not getting the car inspected. I know for a fact that my car is not emitting some poisonous toxin into the atmosphere. I don’t need some grease monkey down at the Jiffy Lube to use a diagnostic test to tell me that for fifteen bucks. It’s a state-mandated tax scam.

Premium gas…full service gas stations…tipping limo and taxi drivers…the mega-church offering plate? HUGE scam.

Instant rebate? Total scam. There’s nothing instant about it. You might get your money back, after you hand over your right testicle and the big toenail of your firstborn child.

After explaining to him that we used two of those generic home improvement gift cards with complete success and no trouble whatsoever at Home Depot the other day his only comment was, “Count yourself lucky!”

But my current example: drug store rewards.

*NOTE: I realize my family is more than annoyed by any conversation revolving around my coupon psychosis, so I am apologizing in advance but warning you that if you choose to read on, none of you are allowed to pick on me for this. This brother-in-law seriously believes that when an item is advertized as “free after money back” it is an advertizing trick to get you to buy something you do not need, just because it is free. And, when any increment of money is printed at the register after a purchase, this is only a ploy to get customers to come back in to the store and buy something they do not need, just to use the so-called free money. Don’t even get him started on what it means if you forget about the coupon on your receipt and let it expire, or, God forbid, throw the thing away and never use it.

To some degree, I can agree that this is likely the intention of the drug store. But may I submit that the system can be manipulated in favor of the customer, and such “rewards” can become exactly that.

I’m not going into detail on the hows here, but in light of the year ending, and all this free time on my hands, I’ve been doing my second favorite thing in the world: number crunching.

If I was forced to explain exactly how these totals were calculated, I’m afraid I’d be admitting to belonging to a level of freak-dom that even I am ashamed to own up to. But in the absence of (dare I say it?) a real job, I have devoted myself to analyzing our family budget and honestly evaluating if my efforts have been worth it this year.

They have.

Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I do not have hoarders shelves built into my garage for the storing of my extreme-couponing booty, and even when certain deals are too good to pass up, if the item is something that we absolutely could not or would not use, I don’t give in and purchase it just because it is a good deal. I have, however, almost completely given up on shopping at Walmart and Sam’s Club, and have made drug store shopping my job on the side.

This year alone I spent exactly $137.19 at drug stores for a little over $1,200 worth of products. This number does not reflect the retail value of the products, but the sale prices, and the difference is all accounted for in coupons, rebates, and register rewards.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not boasting of my money savings in the same vein that people boast of promotions at work. By that token I’d basically be announcing that I have a degree from Baylor University that I’m using to make about $10 an hour, which is paid out in ziplock baggies and toilet paper. And I’m not trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking or shopping. In fact, the opposite is true, because secretly I fear that if more people were doing this the drug stores would catch on and my days of free contact solution and money making Herpes vitamins would be over.

I’m simply saying, drug store rewards are not a scam. A diagnosable addiction, for drug-free non-smokers like me, but not a scam.

Memories

I have no scientific evidence to back this up but I’m guessing that the majority of a person’s early childhood memories are actually based off of pictures they’ve seen, rather than actual memories.  Because of such pictures, I assume I had a pretty happy childhood.  No body ever takes pictures of mom flipping out, bagging up all the toys in the basement, and hauling them to the curb.

This is why my own children will also look back on their childhood and assume it was both normal, and happy.

Me to twenty-five-year-old Eliott:
“This was pretty much a typical day around the house when you and your sister were little”:

Yes, those are leftover Halloween chocolates.
I love that she can do sprinkles without supervision now.
Meanwhile, Carter was working REEEAAAAL hard.

A Couple of Tips. Free Ones.

Something I’ve tried to make a habit of doing: journaling.
Somthing I’ve tried to make a habit of not doing: re-reading old journals.

But every once in a while, I get curious.  Last night, in a moment of resting-my-back induced boredom, I picked up the little red book from my first year of classroom teaching.  I had forgotten that in an effort to be a role model in my classroom, I had a habit of joining my students in journaling many days of the week.  Naturally, this particular little red book is chalk full of complaints self reflection about teaching.

Something else I had forgotten: in one of my evaluations that year, my principal told me to “be more open-minded in the classroom,” and to take my job “a little less seriously.”

That’s funny to me.

Now.

I’m not sure this was entirely good advice for a classroom teacher in a public high school but it is great advice for parenting pre-schoolers.  I can’t even count the number of conversations I’ve had or overheard from guilt ridden mothers who constantly feel like they simply aren’t doing enough.  Comparative parenting would tell any woman with a four-year-old or below that if she’s not on the floor with her kids or doing craft projects at least three days a week, somehow she’s probably not taking her job seriously enough.

It’s a good thing I don’t parent by comparison.

Cute jeans and lower back pain are not conducive to floor time for Mommy.  Sorry girls.  You’ll have to join me at the kitchen sink, on a chair, if you really want to spend the majority of the day in my immediate proximity.

But speaking of comparative parenting, in light of holiday spending, I’m dishing out exactly two free tips that have made my mothering life both cheaper and and better, and I discovered both this year.  (Moms, feel free to comparative parent standing next to me.  It will only make you feel better about yourself as a mother and a human.)  For any mother who has worried that she could be doing more or working harder, I say this: why, when you really don’t need to?

  1. Ice packs.  Forget about parenting for just a minute.  I knew back when I was a mere babysitter that when a kid gets hurt, a band-aid stops the crying.  And I’m not using a metaphor here.  I’m talking literal band-aids.  Both of my children went on a streak of self-mutilation just after I purchased two boxes of Disney princess band-aids, and then fought over who would get Cinderella.  When I refused to dole them out in the absence of actual blood, my own mother looked at me one day and said something along the lines of, “Oh just let them have a band-aid.  You know, it’s a pretty cheap little way to get them to stop crying.”  Despite my obvious problem with that parental concept alone, the kicker for me here was not the spoiled-brat cry-baby factor I would inevitably be enabling.  It really was the price of the band-aids.  But even I have my limits on just how often I can say with a straight face, “Stop crying!  You are fine!” to my two year old who is obviously hurt, just not bleeding.  So it turns out, ice packs work much like the band-aid in the emotional department, and they are reusable.  Hah.  Take that, unconditional love.
  2. Paint with Water.  I can’t claim that I came up with this one on my own.  Aside from the fact that I remember these things from my childhood, it was the mother of four boys (two of them twins) under the age of seven who reminded me of their existence.  *Sidenote: she’s another great one to stand next to for those competitively patient mothers who need to feel better about a moment of weakness in the car this morning.  Subsequently, this is also why she and I are friends.*  It turns out, paint with water can still be found at the dollar store.  Not only are they cheap, but they are virtually mess-free, and as long as I put Eliott and Carter in their art aprons first, they believe they are being permitted to actually paint at the kitchen table.  Truly, the creators of this activity were genius on so many levels.